First, before anything, Journey. I suggest Faithfully.
Okay, now that the serious stuff is out of the way… Here are some ways you can enjoy your sexual lifestyle with your spouse, God’s plan in mind.
It cannot be said enough times that fidelity and chastity remain the biggest contributors to a better sex life, active or not. Because sin stains you, you do not want to go into the marriage act as such. It would be like rolling around in the mud with pigs and then going to a wedding banquet. Nobody would do that. Likewise, when you’re moral life is in line with God’s will for you, you will benefit. This means stop masturbating, stop looking twice at women in yoga pants, refrain from running the “highlight reel” in your mind. As Matt Fradd says in his talk Taking Down Goliath, “Starve the summo!” That summo sized sexual addiction you wrestle will diminish if you starve it.
The pleasure you derive from sex is due to its quality, not its quantity. Married couples have sex some 1000-3000 times in their first few years. Though, like a great painter who practices and practices until he gets his novel technique perfected, he isn’t an artist until he goes from enthusiast to artist. Sex is no different. The more you do it, yes it will be good, but not as good as when you perform with quality. This quality is based on your performance as a love giver, not a love receiver. Make your marriage act about the other person rather than about yourself and you will have a much higher sense of togetherness and passion for your mate.
The SPICE index is very simple but is a model in which, when used, couples are able to enjoy the fullness of the sexual experience, rather than simply the genital experience. It was developed alongside the Creighton Model for NFP to give couples some “spice” while trying to conceive through infertility. This incorporates five elements: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative/Communicative, and Emotional.
Spouses support each other in a spiritually uplifting way when they attending Mass together, read scripture, encouraging adoration, and most of all, praying together. All these increase piety, but as piety increases between two people, intimacy increases – which is what you want!
This seems obvious but let me briefly explore. The physical element includes the arousal of your spouse, and the affirmative touch that you can give or receive. You’re imagination can take you from there. Though the physical act is generally the beef of the experience, it must be balanced with the other four elements as well.
Communication, challenging the academic mind of your spouse, supporting their individual goals and career, all go into this element. Couples engage intellectually by growing in the arts and sciences, discovering and learning and then enjoying those experiences together. Sex is concerned with intellect because it is the seat of the soul and the highest moral compass God gave us, so we can put our intellects to use in not shaming ourselves or our spouses in sexual ventures, but also, smart is always sexy.
This is a fun one. This element includes all those little things that are big for your spouse. Buying gifts, performing everyday favors, going on dates, doing projects together, leaving a message on the mirror for your loved one to see after a shower, the possibilities are up to you. Be creative, have fun, be spontaneous.
Like the physical element, this one seems quite obvious. Generally, women share this need more; they need to be emotionally loved and physically loved. However, men rely on this too, we just don’t always acknowledge it. Men gain confidence, not ego, when they are emotionally satisfied. Women, if they are not supported and validated emotionally will build walls for protection, decreasing their desire to even have sex let alone enjoy it.
There you have it. It’s not in my normal liking to write about this topic but I feel inspired to share some of what I have learned. If there is one thing you remember it is chastity. Like the virtues, they are all worthless without humility. You could possess all the virtues, but if you lack humility, you really don’t have any of them. Then also, if you have all of your sex life together, but are not chaste, you really have nothing.
Seriously though… JOURNEY